11.9.16 was a difficult day, a difficult day to comprehend and get by. I walked the entire day in a complete fog and old feelings that I had pushed down came back up... scary thoughts.
Back in college I suffered from depression. I struggled with getting out of bed, with eating, with just living. The cloud and fog of "This isn't worth living" hung over me most of the time. I struggled. But small things got me to keep moving, like the energy to go see Chicago at the movie theaters again, blasting the song Fighter by Christina Aguilera on my cd player, the thought of fresh baked baguettes, the plan to see this kid, Dave at work and his bright smile.
All of those small things and the help of counseling helped me through this dark days... most of my memories of those days are of cloudy, dark and rainy days, even when they might have been sunny days. That's how my brain copes with those memories.
This feelings came back during my divorce. The heavy fog and pain. And this time, the thoughts of my son pulled me through. He needed me around to be strong for him. I made it through.
Wednesday, the fog would not leave me. Nothing was making me a spot of brightness, a spark of hope. For a brief and scary moment, the thought of "this life isn't worth living" came to me. And for that brief moment, nothing could pull me out.
J.K. Rowling, the brilliant author of Harry Potter, has this nasty characters she created to signify the depression she has struggled with, The Dementors. And because she is brilliant, she also created a spell to make them go away and added chocolate to the healing. That moment, I wished for that spell. But I did have some chocolate.
I told Roger about that thought and he said to remember my family, my son, him, that they all love me and need me. And I told him that was the thing, that depression keeps this fog so heavy, that one not only forgets, but can't see the love we have all around.
Two days have gone by and I'm still sad. But last night I was able to laugh with my son, and that gave me hope. Also, I'm angry. Angry at those who didn't see the threat of this candidate and didn't go out to vote, angry at the Latinos who voted for him, angry at the women who voted for him, angry at those who wrote in a candidate (my ex husband specifically <no wonder I divorced that man).
This post has already gotten so long... And I have so much more to say. I'll get back to the running post, right now my heart is not ready. If you are struggling ... Hang in there! We have 4 more years to be strong for. Also, please don't tell me to move on.... This isn't a nice thing to say to a Mexican immigrant, a Muslim, an LGBT person, a person of color, a woman, a survivor... We are under threat, and the sooner more people recognize that, the soonner healing can begin.