11.09.16

11.9.16 was a difficult day, a difficult day to comprehend and get by. I walked the entire day in a complete fog and old feelings that I had pushed down came back up... scary thoughts.

Back in college I suffered from depression. I struggled with getting out of bed, with eating, with just living. The cloud and fog of "This isn't worth living" hung over me most of the time. I struggled. But small things got me to keep moving, like the energy to go see Chicago at the movie theaters again, blasting the song Fighter by Christina Aguilera on my cd player, the thought of fresh baked baguettes, the plan to see this kid,  Dave at work and his bright smile.

All of those small things and the help of counseling helped me through this dark days... most of my memories of those days are of cloudy, dark and rainy days, even when they might have been sunny days. That's how my brain copes with those memories.

This feelings came back during my divorce. The heavy fog and pain. And this time, the thoughts of my son pulled me through. He needed me around to be strong for him. I made it through.

Wednesday, the fog would not leave me. Nothing was making me a spot of brightness, a spark of hope. For a brief and scary moment, the thought of "this life isn't worth living" came to me. And for that brief moment, nothing could pull me out. 

J.K. Rowling, the brilliant author of Harry Potter, has this nasty characters she created to signify the depression she has struggled with, The Dementors. And because she is brilliant, she also created a spell to make them go away and added chocolate to the healing. That moment, I wished for that spell. But I did have some chocolate. 

I told Roger about that thought and he said to remember my family, my son, him, that they all love me and need me. And I told him that was the thing, that depression keeps this fog so heavy, that one not only forgets, but can't see the love we have all around.

Two days have gone by and I'm still sad. But last night I was able to laugh with my son, and that gave me hope. Also, I'm angry. Angry at those who didn't see the threat of this candidate and didn't go out to vote, angry at the Latinos who voted for him, angry at the women who voted for him, angry at those who wrote in a candidate (my ex husband specifically <no wonder I divorced that man). 

This post has already gotten so long... And I have so much more to say. I'll get back to the running post, right now my heart is not ready. If you are struggling ...  Hang in there! We have 4 more years to be strong for. Also, please don't tell me to move on.... This isn't a nice thing to say to a Mexican immigrant, a Muslim, an LGBT person, a person of color, a woman, a survivor... We are under threat, and the sooner more people recognize that, the soonner healing can begin. 

Comments

  1. I said the same thing to Megan, I will be thinking of you as you work through your grief.
    I hate to leave any comment that would make you feel like I didn't care.

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    1. Thank you Karen! Any and all positive thoughts are appreciated!

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  2. I have found comfort that many, many people are feeling this way. Not that I want people to feel as horrible as I do, but it is validating to know that this is a VERY big deal. This is not business as usual. I saw this article and it made me not feel like a crazy person:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/election-pain-grief_us_58234497e4b0d9ce6fc03fd8?

    We are sad and grieving now, but we are all going to be a force to be reckoned with once we pull ourselves up and get to WORK.

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    1. I have watched a lot of things that have helped, Samantha Bee, Bill Maher, John Oliver.

      Roger and I also talked a lot about plans for different things, like we will no longer support companies that supported Trump, and we will support and help the immigrant community more.

      we will be a force to be reckoned with!

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  3. I, too, was in a fog. I am unmotivated to do anything. It's very similar to how I felt when I was in the grips of depression; I don't want to grocery shop, cook, clean, work...It takes too much energy to get out of bed.

    I don't want to feel better because I don't want to ever accept this and I don't want to be on the train to "normalize" this election. But I am ready to fight to make things better and get in the way of anything this presidency will throw at us!

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    1. We will not normalize this election ! We have to be more aware and more ready to take action if abuse takes place!

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  4. I don't think we should move on. Now that we cast our vote, there isn't much we can do for the next four years and that makes me sad. Even though most blogs I read are runner blogs, I'm glad to know that many others feel the same way that I do. And even seeing protests about this election makes me know that I am not alone and that makes me feel a bit better. I really didn't think that this would be the outcome so I was really in shock, and still am. I'm staying away from the news and trying to think of the good things in my life. Keep your head held high and know that there is always chocolate! :)

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    1. I agree Heather, let's not move on, let's stand for those who can't!

      there is a lot we can do, we can support those who could be abused by Mr. Trump's presidency will affect.

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  5. I was so upset Wednesday. But what surprised me is how many people felt the same way. A lot of my partners at work were crying. My son said some of the teachers were crying. I think we need to accept that what's done is done and try to get through it. I'm by nature an optimistic person and I look at Trump's past views--he seems to be a moderate--and I hope that all the stuff he said was just that--stuff. We'll see. But I have to be grateful that I have my family and friends, my health...

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    1. I am optimistic too, but I personally know people who could be affected by his promises. I will not take this lightly and be ready to stand up for those who are abused.

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